And then, again, the fear, the darkness, the anguish that is eating me alive. There is something terribly wrong with me, I know, but it has always been thus. I brush up against life, but I cannot grasp it. All I see around me is what I see within: conflict, opposition, hatred. Why is my heart yet so dark? Why have I failed so miserably in my faith, to hold onto my faith? What has happened to me?
As strange as it sounds, I miss the immunotherapy. I miss the cancer center, being with the people there, sharing in encouragement and hope. Now ... I'm just barren. I just want to be done with everything, to be gone, to face God's judgment and submit to His determination of what is to be done with me. I pray He will indeed forgive, for I crave His forgiveness. I pray He will indeed be merciful, for I long for His mercy. I pray Christ will speak for me, because I have no voice, no answers, nothing.