faith, life, depression, struggle

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Worthy of destruction only

From Romans 9:

 19One of you will say to me: "Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?" 20But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' "[h] 21Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?
 22What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction? 23What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory— 24even us, whom he also called, not only from the Jews but also from the Gentiles?

There you have it. In order that God might make His mercies clear to His children, He has made people fit only for destruction. The contrast is necessary, and these others must be destroyed, and will be. By God. And as v. 20 makes clear, I, one such vessel, cannot question why I am made for destruction any more than Job had a right to question God about all that befell him.

There is nothing in this earth, in this life I fear as I fear God's wrath. I believe in God's white-hot wrath against all sin, and I know He is against me, and I am doomed. I live under the shadow of His fist, waiting for it to fall on me. I am without hope. All I can do is mark time until He throws me into hell and tortures me for eternity, to His eternal delight. Those who do not fear God and tremble before the thought of Him are fools, as was I for so long. He made me aware of His presence, however, and I once believed He had awakened me to salvation. I have learned, in time, that I was wrong (as usual). He has awakened me to my destruction. It should have been obvious to me, but that's how poor my vision is.

I wish that death would come now, in this minute. I must face God's judgment alone, and then His wrath, and then His torture. There is no other way. I wish I had never been born.

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