I think about suicide the way a teenage boy thinks about sex: constantly and eagerly. I want to be gone so bad I can almost sense it. I fantasize about nothingness, just obliteration. Just to be gone, nonexistent, as I once was.
God made me for destruction. It's just that simple: God makes many people in order to destroy them. The Bible is very clear on that. I am one of those people.
I believe that God hates me. I don't blame Him one bit. I hate me, too. But I believe God hates me even more, because He is capable of so much more. I know I belong in hell. Why wait? Why put it off? Kill me now, God. Please. I beg of You. Kill me now.
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