Gentle spring rain, peace, quiet

It's just turned 6 a.m., and my dogs and cats are fast asleep, having been fed and walked as needed. I've just finished my breakfast and am working on my second cup of coffee. A gentle rain falls outside my window. The peace of this moment is indescribable, really.

At these moments, I am keenly aware of God's presence. God remains hard for me to understand, even at a simplistic level. How to reconcile the God of judgment and wrath with the God of mercy and grace and love? God forgives our wrongs, but only under specific circumstances—for Christians, the embrace of Christ as the atoning Son is necessary, even though there is a great deal of debate about what exactly that means, how exactly that happens. Been there, done that, didn't want the T-shirt.

The older I get, the less sure I am of many of the details of my faith. But I am growing more assured, as my brain chemistry gets straightened out, of my faith in God than ever before. I don't claim to understand it as well as I should. I just know it's real.

I still fear many things about my spiritual fate: Am I truly saved? I don't know. Am I bound for heaven or hell? I don't know. What do I believe about the afterlife? That there is heaven and hell, yes, but what that means, I don't know.

I am, as I've said before, one of the world's worst Christians. I don't want to be, but I am. It's a struggle for me much of the time, but I know no other way.

All to be saved for later. Right now, the rain falls gently, the animals sleep peacefully, the coffee is delicious, and it is the Lord's Day. I shall be glad in it.

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